


aster

by teddygirl105



Series: flower fields [1]
Category: ONF (Band)
Genre: Angst, Funerals, Gen, Hanahaki Disease, M/M, Mild Blood, Minor Character Death, Pining, dedicated to wjc
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-04
Updated: 2021-01-04
Packaged: 2021-03-14 10:41:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,332
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28544217
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/teddygirl105/pseuds/teddygirl105
Summary: anagapesis (n): no longer feeling any affection for someone you once loved.
Relationships: Mizuguchi Yuto | U/Shim Jaeyoung | Wyatt
Series: flower fields [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2098869
Comments: 4
Kudos: 12





	aster

**Author's Note:**

> prompt nights will do shit to you lmao (this time we did word prompts)
> 
> wjc said "one hour" we ended up taking like a solid 3 hours but i finished in the first bc i had no more thoughts head empty

"You'll die if you don't do anything."

"I know."

"Then why do you continue to love him?"

Changyoon stares at the couple from afar, the gaze in his eyes filled with longing and pain. He watches how Jaeyoung scoops Yuto up his arms, a wide smile on his face as they hold each other tight.

"I don't know."

Hyojin looks over at his friend. "Jaeyoung... He's infatuated with Yuto. They've been dating for almost two years now, Changyoon. You've been pining for at least four."

"Do you think I should give up?" he whispers, not able to rip his gaze away.

Hyojin places a hand on his shoulder, giving it a small squeeze. "Would you rather live out the rest of your days in excruciating pain? Or will you allow yourself to be free?"

"I won't be able to love any other."

"You'll at least live to see 30."

As if on cue, Changyoon begins to cough, feeling something tickle his lungs. It burns its way through his esophagus, rising with the sticky substance of what he thinks is bile. He doubles down, hacking up whatever contents have risen from his body into his hand. Hyojin rubs his back in comfort, shielding him from any prying eyes.

His coughing fit slowly subsides, and Changyoon looks at his hand. Blood and asphodels.

"There's more than before. And the flowers are full." Hyojin murmurs, passing him a wet tissue to wipe it away. He digs into his pack, pulling out a water bottle as well to pass along.

Changyoon takes a long drink, rinsing out the iron taste. "Is there?" he rasps, catching his breath. He can still feel small remnants of petals stuck on the walls of his throat, and he feels it root itself further into his lungs.

"It isn't too late for the surgery. There's only so much longer you can go until it progresses too far."

Changyoon passes the water bottle back. "How long, do you estimate?"

Hyojin takes in a deep breath, thinking. "A month, at most. Three week to be safe."

"Then I'll wait those three weeks."

* * *

Three weeks go by.

There is no change in Jaeyoung and Yuto's relationship. They are still as happy as can be.

Changyoon isn't able to look at them for no more than a few seconds before the flowers rise in his throat again, bringing more blood and more pain as the days go on.

At the end of the third week, Hyojin offers to reserve an appointment.

Changyoon takes the offer begrudgingly.

* * *

  
"How do you feel?"

It's been a week since his surgery. Everything went well, and Changyoon is now the proud owner of flower-less lungs. Since then, Hyojin has made it his duty to keep a close eye on his best friend, making sure that he wasn't suffering through any side effects.

"Fine." he answers. "Just... a little odd to be able to breathe so clearly for the first time in... forever."

Hyojin snorts. "It's a feeling that you'll get used to quickly, don't worry." He busies himself in the kitchen, preparing a simple meal of rice porridge for lunch. Changyoon's throat is still sore from having petals picked out one by one, so having easy to eat meals has been his go-to.

"Does it take this long for the throat to heal?" Changyoon whines, "I'm sick of having shit like oatmeal and rice porridge and soup all the time."

"Give it another week, Yoon." Hyojin calls out. "Lest you'd want to be like me and end up fucking up your throat even more on accident."

A sad smile stretches on his lips. His memory is a little vague from the anesthesia, but Changyoon can still remember the look on Hyojin's face when he first came to after the surgery.

_"How do you feel?" Hyojin asks, picking up the clipboard from the nurse to take a peek. He's still on shift, wearing scrubs and a pager around his neck, but he's spared a bit of time to check on Changyoon._

_He simply gives a wide, toothy grin, still loopy and adjusting. "We match now." he grins._

_Hyojin's eyes flicker with pity, hiding it away with a smile. "Yeah, we do."_

"Hey, Yoon?"

He snaps out of his stupor, turning his attention to Hyojin. He's holding two, steaming bowls in his hands and sets them down, sitting across from Changyoon at the table. "What's up?" he asks, picking up his spoon.

"You wanna move in with me? It's a little lonely in here."

He blanches, a little perturbed by Hyojin's casual tone. Carefully, he weighs his options in his head.

"Sure, why not."

* * *

A letter in the mail comes in the following months, addressed to the both of them. Changyoon grabs it when he returns from work, setting it on the table for later.

Hyojin arrives as he's preparing dinner, and the two of them collectively agree to open it after they eat. Both of them have a feeling that something bad lurks within the contents.

Dinner is spent quietly, talking about work and other meaningless topics. They both know they're stalling. Eventually, the dishes are cleared, the table is wiped clean, and the letter is finally opened.

"Oh," Hyojin whispers. "Oh god."

Changyoon lets Hyojin read the letter first, taking it graciously once he's done.

His eyes read it through. Then again. One more time so that he's certain that those words are correct. There is no pain in his chest. No niggling feeling of loss and despair. Simply nothing. Nothing but himself and an odd sensation of emptiness.

Jaeyoung's funeral is in a week's time.

* * *

  
Hyojin and Changyoon come home from the funeral, solemn looks on their faces. Changyoon goes to prepare dinner, while Hyojin goes to take a shower. They switch their places smoothly, Hyojin taking over as Changyoon washes himself up. They don't speak a single word, not until they've settled down and begun to eat.

"I feel bad." Changyoon whispers. Hyojin sets down his chopsticks, putting his full attention on him.

"How so?"

"That... that I didn't feel anything for him. Barely any sorrow as I watched them place his urn into the ground. He deserved at least that."

Hyojin bites his lip. "You chose to stop loving him. You weighed your options and chose what would keep you alive."

Changyoon doesn't answer, going back to his meal.

"...I hate how it takes away everything."

Chopsticks clink against dishes.

"...Me too."

The night ends with the two of them on the couch, pressed against each other for warmth as they share a bottle of wine. Changyoon has long fallen asleep, leaving Hyojin to dwell in his thoughts.

He looks down at the sleeping man, noting his peaceful features, cheek squished against Hyojin's shoulder.

Hyojin was made aware that Changyoon only had eyes for Jaeyoung. That the man wouldn't allow himself to love anyone else, because he was fickle and stubborn and dense.

Hyojin hid his blood and petals for a long time. Until he came to his own realization, until the pain attacked him at random, until he became sick of the suffering and almost died. He ripped the flowers from his lungs for his own sake.

Inside, there still exists a small part of him that wishes that perhaps, if his flowers came a little later, and he persevered long enough, that Hyojin would get what he wanted.

But, as he looks at Changyoon, at the man he once loved, he knows that even if he persevered through the pain, Changyoon wouldn't have loved him. His asphodel petals existed for Jaeyoung only, just like how Hyojin's aster petals existed for Changyoon.

"Perhaps, if I were a little more bold," Hyojin murmurs to himself, brushing a stray hair away from Changyoon eyes, "then we would both get our happy endings."

He pushes back his tears.

"Alas, we cannot love anymore."

Hyojin rests his head atop of Changyoon's, closing his eyes and falling into a dreamless sleep.

**Author's Note:**

> sorry if it is bad and makes no sense i was very brain empty on this
> 
> [ twitter](https://twitter.com/teddygirl105)  
> [curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/teddygirl05)


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